Terms & Conditions

After much thought, I think I better start this blog with some offshore terms. In other words, its how we talk at sea. Things are after all, very different around here. To be honest, all these terms did freak me out first time I am on-board a construction barge. As you can see on the picture on the right here. This one is called heavy lift barge.

Moving on, here are just a few of the terms I will be using throughout the blog (In lay-man's terms, for you dumb duck land lovers):

Port side & Starboard side [nautical term]

We can't really call the left side or the right side of a seafaring vessel as it is, cos it can really be confusing. After all, we have nothing around us except the sea. So some clever cunt invented these terms to stop all the confusion. Port side then (in general) became the side of the seafaring vessel that comes alongside the wharf or jetty when the vessel comes to port. The starboard side, of course will be the opposite.

Bow & Stern side [nautical term]

Another nautical term introduced most probably by the same clever cunt who made port side and starboard side. This time however, it means the front or the back of a seafaring vessel. Referring to the picture of the barge above, the stern would be where that big 2400 tonnes crane (orange in color) is sitting and the bow would be on the other end where our accommodation, bridge and helicopter landing deck sits.

Personal Protective Equipment

In short, PPE. Everyone must wear them regardless what you do on the barge. Like what this handsome gentleman on the picture here is wearing. The orange clothing is called coveralls not jumpsuits. Jumpsuits are for the fools flying around in the sky and jumping out with parachutes. Of course, that white thing on his head is called a safety helmet. It will protect the head from small bolts & nuts but of course not from a 200 Ton load. We will discuss further about offshore safety in later issues on this blog. Then there's the safety shoes. Lastly, the safety glasses. It does not just make us look cool (like those actors in the Matrix) but also to protect our eyes from sharp objects and the sorts.

P.O.B.

In full, Personnel/Person on Board. Self explanatory actually but for some dumb ducks, it would be the amount of people working and staying on board the barge and not including the cats, dogs or birds that happen to come along with the ride. The POB for the barge I am working on can go up to a maximum of 226. That's a lot of people contributing their bodily waste into the sea.

Barges

I don't think I really need to go all technical on this topic since I have already posted a picture at the beginning of this post as an example (graphically). If you kinda missed it, kindly scroll up and have a good hard look. I will however tell you that there's different types of barge. As mentioned earlier on, we have a heavy lift barge and then there's a hook-up barge, a pipe-laying barge and a riser barge. More write ups will come about these different types of barges in upcoming issues on this blog.

Also, a barge is not a 'tongkang'. I got some dumb duck of a cunt friends thinking I am working on a 'tongkang'. Well, see it for yourself now and compare to that 'tongkang' you see used to transport sand or rubbish up and down the Satok Bridge River (Kuching). I have never been humiliated in my life!

Cunt

A typical swear word we use at sea. Varies in usage and meaning. There's blardy cunt, hopeless cunt, lame cunt, lazy cunt and of course my personnal favourite, stupid cunt. Its merely a word for expression actually, like an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. LIKE THIS!!!! for example. It is also used quite normally during play or on serious conversations.

Mess Hall or Galley

This is what land lovers will be calling their dinning hall and kitchen area. We eat here and get fed with good food. Of course, when the food degrades, the cook will have to go and we will get a new one. Menus are divided between Asian food and western food. There are 4 meal times in a day starting from breakfast at 0500hrs and supper at 2200hrs. All the wholesome meals to keep up the energy on a hard days work at sea. Now, it may look like we are eating in some school canteen setup, but we do have the best food around like beef steaks, lamp chops, grilled salmon and most of the western food that will cost us quite a lot back in the land. I will be lying and bragging if I say our menu are exquisite cuisines but I will leave this picture showing what this gentleman have to eat for his dinner. You'll be the judge.

Well, I guess that would be enough for now. Thanks for reading this far though. Stay tune for the next post...more to come.